Someone asked me the other day why they felt so small immediately after having an orgasm.
I think orgasms can take us to all sorts of young places. These places
are from the formation and memory of our early years.
It was feeling small during orgasms that finally taught me how my infant and childhood needs have been sexualized. When I want a woman, sexually, I want deep nurture, a mother's final love, primal love, begining and underpinning love.
I was trying to "fuck" (feel) my way toward a new infancy.
I was trying to re-engineer finally, the emotional base I just didn't, and in many
ways, still don't have.
This powerful re-experiencing of smallness wasn't about actual "abuse". It was about having emptiness, where the ground of parental love should have been.
Only in feeling small and infantlike, at the moment of orgasm, was I finally
made really aware, of how I am the tiny child searching for the mother it
never really had.
Only when the power of an orgasm was washing through me did the feeling of
being "grown up", get washed away.
My false adulthood receded, and the truth of my childlike state during
sex, washed up on the shores of my consciousness.
I finally understood what I had been searching for underneath the endless
pursuit of women.
Paul Vereshack M.D.